Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
