My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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