She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
