I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize