I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize