nut hugger
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
