My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
