If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
