His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
