I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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