Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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