What did we do last night that was yellow?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
