It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Randomize
