Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm sobbing to NWA
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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