I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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