life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
