no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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