wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
