It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
