My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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