I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
