do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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