I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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