dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
