dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Randomize
