Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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