i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
