Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
