I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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