Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
