Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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