I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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