Ambien. No doubt about it.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
So squirting runs in the family.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
