I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Still dying that you shit outside
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize