There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Randomize
