And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
did i walk over a car last night?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
