I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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