My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
