don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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