She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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