What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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