I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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