Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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