I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
