Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
