All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
