come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
