She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
