WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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