Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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