She's JV to your varsity
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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