What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
