Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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